I know this is AWFULLY long, but what can I say...
I did all this stuff.
I thought my name was
"QUIT IT!" for a long time.
Thanks to a
patient owner and a LOT of training,
stopped doing at least
HALF of this
I won't eat any more socks,
rocks, underwear, pens, pencils and magic
markers, disposable razors, toothbrushes, books,
pillows (especially those down ones that make the
whole room white), toothpaste tubes, all the
plastic wrappers from food, and everything I find
on the floor.
I will not lift my leg to
the new sofa, the cat, the plants in mom's
garden, the obedience judge, the new, really cute
guy next door.
I will not bark at the cat
walking across the yard at night, the snowman,
other dogs four blocks away, my bone when
its stuck under the sofa, my ball when it's
under the bed, the mailman , the paper boy,
absolutely nothing, especially at two o'clock in
I will not dig the pop-up
sprinkler heads, the floor by the back door, a
hole in the sofa looking for my bone, or under
the neighbor's fence to visit that cute dobergirl
I will not eat the soap.
I will not eat the cats'
food, before or after they
I will not eat my human's
I will not drink the water
(and fish) from the aquarium.
I will quit drinking out of
the toilet, especially if it hasn't been flushed.
I will not climb up on the
dining table when no one's looking and eat out of
the serving bowls.
The computer's mouse is,
unlike a real mouse, inedible.
Dogs do not like jalapeno
peppers. I am a dog.
I will not spend more than 5
minutes trying to find the "perfect"
place to poop.
I will stop trying to find
the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house
when I am about to throw up.
I will wipe my butt on the
grass, not on the carpet. They're both green, but
I know the difference.
I will not steal used
sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not eat other
animals' poop. I will not eat my own vomit.
I will not lick mom's face
after cleaning my private parts.
I will not drop gooey slimy
rawhide chews into mom's lap.
I will not lick up garbage
drippings in the street.
I will not eat dead worms or
crickets from the driveway. I will not eat the
disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I won't reset the computer
or rest my head on the keyboard while mom is
I will not try to smell my
human's visitors' private parts.
I won't play tug with the
other dogs under the dining room table.
I will not dig more than one
new 'cool earth wallow' per day.
I will not crowd my human in
I don't have to go out to
the backyard *this instant*..
I will quit hogging all the
I won't jump up on mom's
I will only do my
"someone's out there" bark when there
really is someone at the door.
When the humans leave
without me, attacking the front window is not the
way to get them to notice I'm upset.
I will not howl or sit on
her lap when mom is practicing the recorder.
I will not knock down and
lick the face of the meter reader.
I will not growl at my
I will not growl at the
strange guy in Mom's bed. (Oh, it's Dad.)
My human's toes should not
be in the socks I choose to chew on.
I will not drop my human's
pager in the toilet, even if he told me to 'drop
The mailman is NOT a chew
I will not crawl under the
sheets when mom is making the bed.
I will not chew a hole in
Moms down comforter, filling the room with
I will not ride in the car
with my paws around mom's neck.
I will not jump up on my
human with my muddy paws after running through a
I will not eat off the ends
of my human's shoelaces.
I will not run around the
house with my human's stuffed animals.
I will not open the kitchen
I will not chew the
I will not un-wrap all the
I will not pull the
tablecloth off the table to make the food more
accessible on the floor.
Just because the remote
control turns on the TV when I chew it does not
qualify it as a 'squeaky toy'.
I shall not eat the crotch
out of mom's dirty underwear.
I will not chew or shake
full cans of beer
I will not attempt to climb
in Mom's lap while she is driving.
I will not shift the car
into reverse while Mom is driving 65 mph. ( this
really happened to me!!!)
I will not eat the envelope
with my human's cashed paycheck in it!
When Mom is putting on socks
in the morning, I will not take this as a sign to
start a game of tug-of-war.
I will not play tag around
the kitchen table with the kid's teddy bear.
The sofa is not a face
The rug is not a napkin.
My head does not belong in
The balls on the Christmas
tree are not dog balls.
All things within my reach
are NOT my toys; anything not within my reach but
I can jump and get is also NOT my toy.
I do not have a little
Scrabble board in my tummy. Eating a letter when
Mommy and Daddy play does not score me any
The coffee table is not my
private throne, and I should stay off of it.
I will not pull all the
stuffing out of my chewman within 10 minutes of
The Persian rug is not for
75 pound Dobies should not
even bother to try to hide under small coffee
tables when they have been naughty.